This may or may not be humorous based on your flight experiences... Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." 2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!" 5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more." 7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines." 8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it." 11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight." 12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?" 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." 16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
> DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WOMEN & MEN > > > NICKNAMES > If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, > they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. > If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will > affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, > Godzilla, Peanut-Pecker and Schmucko. > > EATING OUT > When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John > will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. > None of them will have anything smaller, and none > will actually admit they want some change back. > > When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. > > MONEY > A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman > will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. > > BATHROOMS > A man has six items in his bathroom: toothpaste, > toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, > and a towel from the Holiday Inn. > > The average number of items in the typical woman's > bathroom is 337. No man will be able to identify most > of these items. > > ARGUMENTS > A woman has the last word in any argument. > Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a > new argument. > > THE FUTURE > A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. > A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. > > DRESSING UP > A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the > plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, > read a book, and get the mail. > A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. > > NATURAL > Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. > Women somehow deteriorate during the night. > > OFFSPRING > Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. > She knows about dentist appointments and romances, > best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and > hopes and dreams. > A man is vaguely aware of some short people living > in the house.
>> >A little old lady went to the grocery store and put >> >the most expensive cat >> >food in her basket. She then went to the check out >> >counter where she told the >> >check out girl. >> >"Nothing but the best for my little kitten. >> > >> >"The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but >> >we cannot sell you cat >> >food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old >> >people buy cat food to >> >eat, and the management wants proof that you are >> >buying the cat food for >> >your cat." >> > >> >The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and >> >brought it back to the >> >store. >> >They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old >> >lady went to the store >> >and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies-one >> >for each day of >> >Christmas. The cashier >> >this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, >> >claiming that old people >> >sometimes eat dog food. >> > >> >Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her >> >dog. >> > >> >She was then given the dog cookies. >> > >> >The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the >> >lid. The little old lady >> >asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. >> > >> >The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in >> >there." >> > >> >The little old lady assured her that there was nothing >> >in the box that would >> >bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box >> >and pulled it out and >> >told the little old lady, "This smells like poo!!!!" >> > >> >The little old lady grinned from ear to ear and said, >> >"Now, my dear, can I >> >please buy >> >three rolls of toilet paper?"