Webmistress' Note--I would be very interested in additions or updates to this list.

If Operating Systems Were Beers

DOS BEER
Requires you to use your own can opener and to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally it only came in an 8-ounce can, but now comes in a 16-ounce can. However, the can is divided into eight compartments of 2-ounces each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

MAC BEER
At first it came only in a 16-ounce can but now comes in a 32-ounce can. Considered by many to a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is no on the can, if you call to ask about the ingredients you're told that "you don't need to know". A notice on the side reminds you to drag you empties to the trash can.

WINDOWS 3.1 BEER
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-ounce can that looks a lot like a Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously but in reality you can only drink a few of them--very slowly--especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 BEER
Comes in a 32-ounce can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you sake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

WINDOWS 95 BEER
A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like a Mac Beer's can but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-ounce cans, but when you look inside, the cans have only 16 ounces of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. the ingredients list, when you look a the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even thought the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

WINDOWS NT BEER
Comes in 32-ounce cans but you can only but it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer and suggested only for use in bars.

UNIX BEER
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-ounces to 64-ounces. Drinkers of UNIX Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking UNIX Beer for several years.

AMIGADOS BEER
The company has gone out of business, but its recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand the marketing. Like UNIX Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group It originally came in a 16-ounce can, but now comes in 32-ounce cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS BEER
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However, cans have been known on occasion to explode, or possibly contain extremely un-beerlike contents.

If Microsoft Built Cars

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated; If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mpg."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement; "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS...

• Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
• Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
• You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
• The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
• The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
• New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
• The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
• If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

If Operating Systems Ran Your Car

MS DOS: You get into the car and try to remember where you put the keys.

Windows: You get into the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

MAC System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the car drives you to church.

Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says "go to the store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to the dashboard.

Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Mantalban, who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

OS/2: After fueling up with 6,000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and go to the store in a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Half way there, the car blows up, killing everyone in town.

S/36 SSP: You get in the car and drive tot he store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.

OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the store where you get to watch everybody else buy fillet mignons.

If Microsoft were Headquatered in Minnesota

• Their #1 product would be Microsoft Storm Windows.
• Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get a walleye
• Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with frost pictures.
• Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Yah, Sure" or "Thanks very much, not right now, but maybe later."
• Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be a car with a cold battery cranking over and over and over ...
• The "recycle Bin" in Storm Windows '95 would be an ice-fishing house.
• Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear "Kirrrrrrby Pucket!!!".
• Instead of "Start Me Up," the Storm Windows '95 theme song would be the Gedney Pickles jingle.
• PowerPoint would be names "Don'tPoint" because "power" is just to aggressive and pointing isn't polite.
• Microsoft Programming tools would be "Visual Lutheran" and "Visual Evangelical Lutheran."
• Storm Windows '95's logo would incorporate a hotdish.
• Microsoft Word would be Microsoft Apology.
• Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have 3M servers.
• New Shutdown WAV: "Do you have to leave so soon? Have another cup of coffee, dear."
• Instead of VP's, Microsoft big shots would be called "Winter Carnival Royalty."
• Hardware could be repaired using parts from used appliances bought at garage sales for 50 cents apiece.
• Microsoft Office would be replaced with Microsoft Skyway.
• Five words: Norwegian Bachelor Farmer Screen Saver.
• Well, the first thing you know, Bill is known as "that nice man up the block who sponsors the Little League team."
• Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory prize-winning Jam and Pickle recipes from the State Fair.
• Flight Simulator replaced by Driving your pickup out on the lake ice in late march Simulator.
• Microsoft CEO: Mr. Gates, We want to be respectful, don't we?
• Car block heater Plug'n'Play interface
• Screen saver would be a guy shoveling driveway and snowplow pushing all snow back in end of driveway or Zamboni circling the screen making everything smooth and shinny
• Instructions would include "Please press the Control key when you have a minute, Okay?"

Created: 18-May-1998, Last updated: 17-July-1998

© 1998.

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camilian since 1-May-1998

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