Overview

Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell combined their decades of writing and speaking about love to help us identify our children's primary love language and fill the deepest needs of the children we love. 

"Every child has a primary language of love, a way in which he or she understands a parent's love best....your child and mine need to know they are loved to develop into responsible adults." (Chapman  & Campbell p.7)  Children do need to hear all five love languages because their primary language can change over time. The authors give a word of caution that I should not expect to figure out a grandchild's primary love language until after they are five years old.`

The focus of this page is to present Chapman and Campbell's thoughts from their book in the light of grandparenting.

Some helpful and rather obvious things to remember about my grandchildren: 

• They are children.
• They will tend to act like children.
• Much childish behavior is unpleasant.
• When I love them despite their childish behavior I am contributing to their ability to grow out of their childish ways.
• If I love them and express that love only when they please me (conditional love), I am preventing them from moving to more mature behavior because I am damaging their self-image. They will not feel genuinely loved.
• "If I love them only when they meet my requirements or expectations, they will feel incompetent and will believe it is pointless to do their best since it is never enough. They will always be plagued by insecurity, anxiety, low self-esteem, and anger." (Chapman  & Campbell p.21)
• As a grandparent, giving and showing the unconditional love to my own child as well as my grandchildren is crucial to the family relationships.
• Children's first understandings of the world are emotional and they can often perceive my emotions before I do. 

Universal needs of children:

• Love.
• Healthy self-esteem / appropriate sense of self worth.
• Security and safety.
• Relational skills.

During infancy, the "food" for emotional health is physical touch, kind words, and tender care.  Research indicates "the emotional foundation of life is laid in the first eighteen months of life, particularly in the mother/child relationship." (Chapman  & Campbell p.23) This foundation affects their ability to learn and is considered the key factor in when the child is able to grasp new information.

Children are behaviorally motivated and respond to what we do with them. When I act in love toward my grandchildren even when I do not feel loving, they are seeing a type of unconditional love.  They need all five languages of love to keep their emotional tanks full.

During adolescence an empty emotional love tank leaves teenagers even more at risk to the problems teens have. A child raised with conditional love learned how to love that way. Without either parent or child knowing how to express unconditional love a hurtful cycle of anger, resentment and acting out often occurs.

"Because you want your children to grow into full maturity, you will want to show them love in all the languages and then teach them how to use these for themselves. The value is not only for your children but for the people with whom they will live and associate." (Chapman  & Campbell p.27)

Physical Touch

This language is the easiest to use unconditionally. Children need many meaningful touches every day. Hugs and kisses, a tosses of a young child in the air, a spin round and round, or a child sits in your lap whenever you read a story. Even when we are busy, we can often gently touch a child on the back, arm, or shoulder. Parents who are not demonstrative can learn.  

Children need healthy physical touch from other adult family members and friend. Some adults have stopped giving healthy forms of physical touch because of fears of sexual abuse. 

Much physical touch at the elementary school age will come through playing games. Preadolescent boys go through an affection-resistant stage yet this does not mean they do not need physical touch. Preadolescent girls particularly need the love of their fathers and the assurance of unconditional love that seems to peak around age eleven.

When children reach their teens it remains important that they receive physical touch in positive ways and also at the right time and places. Hugging my grandson in front if his peers is not appropriate without a clear invitation from him.  Look for ways to show loving touch to the teenager and you will find them.

Words of Affirmation

Words of affection and endearment are felt in the tone of our voice, the gentleness of the mood and the ambiance of our care. Affection and praise are often combined yet it is important to distinguish between them. Praise a child for something they can somewhat control. Show affection because the child is.

Words of encouragement are meant to give children added inner motivation to continue healthy behaviors and attitudes.  They are most effective when you "catch your child doing something good and commend him for it." (Chapman  & Campbell p.50)  

All children need words of guidance.  All children need to hear they are loved with no strings attached. Parents (and grandparents) who have a hard time saying affirming things can keep a notebook titled "Words of Affirmation." Whenever they hear or read other adults giving affirmation to children they can write them down and then practice saying them in front of a mirror. Once practiced, consciously look for opportunities to say affirming things to the child, at least three time a day. 

It is especially important to avoid using words of condemnation with a child who's love language is words of affirmation. Negative words are devastating. It "is essential for parents and other significant adults in the child's life to quickly apologize for negative, critical, or harsh remarks. While the words can't be erased by an apology, their effect can be minimized." (Chapman  & Campbell p.55)  The authors suggest taping parent/child conversations and examine how you sound if you realize you might have a negative communication pattern.

Quality Time

From other grandparents, I've learned I can not substitute for my grandchildren's parents when it comes to a child's need for quality time.  The child needs Mom and Dad. My role as a grandparent is to assist the parents so they can give each grandchild the focused attention they need. 

Quality time is about being together.  It should include pleasant, loving eye contact.  It is also about knowing your child better through conversation. All children love stories and making bed-time stories a ritual will help keep communications open as they grow into their teens. 

Gifts

Gift-giving is no substitute for the other love languages, nor is it payment for services rendered. Children know the difference so choose presents with careful though of how they will enhance a child's life.

Everyone enjoys receiving gifts. Children who's primary love language is receiving gifts respond differently. They perceive the gift as an extension of you and  your love.  They will want the gift presented and your undivided attention as they open it.  They will also make a special place in their life. To them what matters is that you thought about them. 

Acts of Service

"The ultimate purpose for acts of service to children is to help them emerge as mature adults who are able to give love to others through acts of service. This includes not only being helpful to cherished loved ones, but also serving persons who are in no way able to return or repay the kindnesses." (Chapman  & Campbell p.95)

When a child's primary love language is acts of service, asking you to fix a bike can be a cry for emotional love. For them, fixing the bike needs to be accompanied by a positive attitude - a genuine willingness to fix the bike because you love the child.  Each request should receive a thoughtful and loving response.  Saying "no" to a request is just as important as saying "yes."

• Observe how your child expresses love to you.
• Observe how your child expresses love to others.
• Listen to what your child requests most often.
• Notice what your child most frequently complains about.
• Give your child a choice between two options representing two different love languages, age appropriate of course.

For grandparents, I believe it is best to consult the parents.  Our interest in pouring out our love in the child's primary love language can help our children with their parenting.