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Overview
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"At the heart of mankind's existence is the
desire to be intimate and to be loved by another." (Chapman p.21) Gary
Chapman's conclusion after twenty years of marriage counseling is
that there are basically five emotional love languages --
five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. Like any
language, there are many dialects or variations yet at the core are
these five. To communicate love we must use the language the recipient
understands. He writes about a "love tank" that needs
fueling or we suffer the devastating consequences of isolation.
The focus of this page is Chapman's work with couples because
grandparents (and parents) who feel loved by their mate are better
equipped to love rather than spoil/neglect the children.
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Words of Affirmation
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Mark Twain once said, "I can live for two months on a good
compliment." Many couples have never learned the tremendous power
of verbally affirming each other." (Chapman p.39) Verbal
compliments, encouraging words, kind words, making requests and not
demands all fall into this primary language. They key is genuine
empathy -- learning the other's interests.
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Quality Time
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Quality time means giving someone your undivided attention ...
togetherness with focused attention and quality conversation. "Many
of us ...are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget
that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a
problem to solve." (Chapman p.62)
Tips on the art of listening (Chapman p. 63-64)
- Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.
- Don't listen to your spouse and do something else at
the same time.
- Listen for feelings.
- Observe body language.
- Refuse to interrupt.
There is a dialect called quality activities. "The essential
ingredients in a quality activity are: (1) at least one of you wants to
do it, (2) the other is willing to do it, (3) both of you know why you
are doing it -- to express love by being together." (Chapman p.
70)
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Receiving Gifts
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Gifts are visual symbols of love and have more meaning to some people
than to others. "If your spouse's primary love language is
receiving gifts, you can become a proficient gift giver. In fact
it is one of the easiest love languages to learn." (Chapman
p.76)
"Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful
gift you can give if your spouse's primary love language is receiving
gifts." (Chapman p. 79)
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Acts of Service
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"Learning the love language of acts of service will require some of
us to reexamine our stereotypes of the roles of husbands and
wives." (Chapman p.99)
Three observations about acts of service:
- Deeds done for each other prior to marriage are
not necessarily how we behave after marriage.
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Love is a choice. We are creatures of
choice. Love does not erase the past. Love makes the future different.
- A spouse's criticism about behavior is the clearest clue to the
criticizer's primary love language.
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Physical Touch
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"...babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop a healthier
emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without
physical contact." (Chapman p. 103) The difference when a person's
primary love language is physical touch is the strength of the
message. A tender hug shouts love, a slap in the face is
devastating.
Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical
technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs."
(Chapman p.121) Even in this age of sexual openness and freedom,
intimacy can evaporate in the deep emotional pain when we are aware that
our spouse is involved with someone else sexually.
"All societies have some form of physical touching as a means of
social greeting." (Chapman p. 107) In America if a person refuses
the shake another's hand it communicates things are not right in the
relationship. Chapman also points out that every society has appropriate
and inappropriate ways to touch members of the opposite sex.
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Love is a Choice
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"Love doesn't erase the past, but it makes the future
different." (Chapman p. 130)
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Love Makes a difference
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Love interfaces with our other basic needs like security, self-worth,
and significance.
"Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate
of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother
us." (Chapman p.140)
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Loving the Unlovely
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Our natural tendencies are to withdraw from someone who is not
loving. There is a difference between love as a feeling and love
as an action.
"It you claim to have feeling that you do not have, that is
hypocritical....But if you express an act of love that is designed for
the other person's benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice."
(Chapman p. 155)
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Children and Love Languages
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Children do have love languages and they can be discovered by careful
observation. Make note of the requests they make and how they express
love to others. "Whatever love language your child
understands best, he needs it expressed in one way,
unconditionally." (Chapman & Campbell p.20) Children who's emotional needs are met develop into responsible
adults.
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